I have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. That pretty much means that my emotions are always right under the surface and come out whether I want them to or not. Before I was diagnosed people just called me a drama queen. “Get over it,” is what people like me hear the most often. If only it were that easy. I am on medication and take it as prescribed.
There are lots of different medicines that can be prescribed. Unfortunately for me I can’t use the more effective ones because of my other health issues. There’s nothing to be done about this so I just have to tough it out. My ex (also bipolar) argues that medicine isn’t necessary to treat bipolar disorder, but he doesn’t have it together and I hate it when people try to trivialize my issue. If it was nothing I wouldn’t feel so hopeless when there’s nothing wrong, and I wouldn’t sometimes buckle when there is something wrong.
This doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I do everything right and I feel like I’m on top of the world. But other times I can feel the disaster building in the distance. I know everything is going to go wrong and it’s as though I’m powerless to stop it. Thoughts start racing in my head – generally nervous and neurotic – and even as I understand that there will be hell to pay later for my actions, the words form and leave my mouth.
I want to scream at people that this isn’t really me, but I don’t even know if that’s true anymore. I remember being happy. Vividly. It’s not that I don’t want to be. I suppose that’s why it gets to me so much. I mean, I used to really accomplish things. Now… Dammit, now I have to give myself pep talks just to get out of bed.
I want to figure out how to get back to where everything feels alright, and I feel like I have a place in the world.